November 15, 2008
Dear Attorney Youmans,
I was very intrigued by our conversation today concerning efforts to help young boys and girls who are “aging” out of the foster care system. I would sincerely like to be of assistance in anyway possible with this endeavor. Here is a synopsis of my own personal experience.
In 1999, after many years of a career in management with a Fortune 500 company, I approached my husband with the news that I wanted to either foster or adopt a child. I had not been able to have children of my own but my husband did have children from a previous marriage. With is concurrence we took a 3 month training course to prepare us for bringing a foster child into our home.
When we completed the course I began searching the Wayne County web site for a foster child. I struggled with the age of the child because although I preferred a child from 3 to 5 years old, I realized that I was at work 12 hours a day and my retired husband, Jim, was the one who would be at home and he was not in good health. After much thought, I chose a young man who was 14 years old. As I prepared to call my social worker with his name, my husband’s health took a turn for the worse. He had to have major surgery for blocked arteries in his leg and he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. We went through the surgery and weeks of radiation and then, six months later, I contacted the social worker to tell her we were ready to bring this young man into our home. The social worker informed me that my husband had to be “cancer free” for 2 years before we would be allowed to bring a child into our home. I was devastated.
But, God had a different plan for me. Within weeks of receiving this news, my stepson, Shawn, came to my husband and said that he had discovered that his 13 year old son had been taken away from his mother and placed in a home for boys. He asked if there was anything we could do to help. The background on Shawn’s son is as follows: Shawn’s son’s name is Gabriel (Gabe for short). Shawn did not know he had a son until Gabe was 7 years old. As a result, Shawn had no relationship with Gabe whatsoever. After we met Gabe we learned from the social worker that Gabe had a half brother named Ben who was 6 years younger than Gabe. They had the same mother but different fathers.
We discovered that Gabe’s mother was addicted to cocaine and alcohol. Gabe had been taken away from her and placed in several different foster homes from the age of 3 to the age of 7. When he was 7 his mother married and was able to get him back. He lived with his mother, his little brother, Ben, and Ben’s dad. A few years later Ben’s dad committed suicide. Then his mother, who had never stopped taking drugs, became involved with an addict who was physically violent to her and the children. When Gabe was 13 and his brother was 7, the police were called and the boys were removed from the home. They lived with an aunt and uncle for 5 months and then were put in a boy’s home. After several months of continued substance abuse, his mother lost her parental rights to both boys.
When my husband, Jim, and I met Gabe, he was 13 and in a group home for boys. We were told he would be kept there for 90 days. At the end of that time, he would be put on the street if he didn’t find a foster home. To me, this was ludicrous as he had no way to support himself! Jim and I took Gabe into our home 3 weeks after his 14th birthday. Six months later my husband passed away. After 30 years with this man, I was lost. I had a job that kept me away from home for more than 12 hours a day and now I had a troubled 14 year old living with me. After many sleepless nights, some counseling, and many heart to heart discussions with Gabe, I decided to continue my path to become his legal guardian. Eventually, I adopted Gabe.
Gabe is now 22 years old and a soldier in the U.S. Army. Over the past 8 years we have had many trying moments. One of the most difficult challenges for me was dealing with the ramifications of the fact that Gabe had never been parented. From the age of seven, Gabe had acted as the parent to his baby brother. He changed Ben’s dirty diapers and fed him because their mother was constantly stoned. His mother never even made Gabe go to school. Gabe grew up eating cereal and ice cream because no one cooked for them. After years of doing as he pleased, now he had to ask me just to go outside and he had to attend school every day. It was a huge adjustment for him.
Needless to say, he tested me over and over again. I admit I was tough and strict with him. But it was always tempered with lots of love. I sought counseling when he tried drugs and told me with great conviction that, “now that I am 17, we are equals and I will do whatever I want”. I dug my heels in and got even tougher with him. The one thing I told him over and over again was that, although I might disapprove of his behavior, I would always love him. I assured him again and again that I would never abandon him. I told him that although it would be much easier to just let him do whatever he wanted, I did not care if he hated me, I would do everything I could to give him the tools to lead a productive life. In the end, the choice was up to him, but I would not enable his bad behavior.
Did I struggle raising him? Oh yes. Especially, since I was a single mother. Were there times when I thought about giving up? Yes, again. But I knew that his past had made him feel unlovable and I knew in my heart that I was making a huge difference in his life. Now, 8 years later, he is my pride and joy. I would not trade this experience for anything. I know I have made a huge difference in his life and every moment of struggle was well worth it. If I had not kept him with me, Gabe would probably be on the street recreating the very scene he grew up in. I couldn’t love Gabe any more if I had given birth to him. I feel that God has truly blessed me by bringing us together.
I believe the one thing that could have helped me tremendously during some very difficult times would have been a type of “group therapy” with other parents of foster children. As you know, the issues of abandonment and abuse leave lasting scars and these kids have some very difficult issues to overcome. I would be honored to do whatever I can to encourage others to take on this challenge and give other youngsters the opportunity “to be normal”. Please let me know how I can help.
Sincerely,
Kathy
